Day 55: It fell a p a r t .
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| " I'm so fucked up, so so fucked, darling." |
The pages were strewn all over the place.
The tears were all over my skin
The fucking pieces of my heart is on the floor.
The little bits of sanity left in my mind is getting lost in the midst of the goddamn chaos.
Maybe it was the stress or the damage you left behind with me. But it's falling apart. Little by little, slowly yet painfully and I swear to god, it's killing me, you're killing me. You're out there, having the time of your life with the ones who hurt you and here I am, so fucking sick of this pain and whatever mess is going on in my mind. You know, it's not fair. It's not fair that the ones who have went through so much pain can't feel happiness genuinely. It's not fair that we're stuck with feeling like we don't deserve happiness.
" You're looking so much better,"
"You look happier,"
"I'm glad that you're getting better,"
"You've changed, I'm so proud of you,"
The madness, the sadness, the self destructiveness is still here, it doesn't go away completely. I also thought that "Wow, I'm finally getting better, I'm finally a changed person," But sorry to break your little heart honey, I just got better at faking it and pretending that I'm alright when the pieces are barely holding up. I got so good at faking it until I fucking believed that cruel lie.
And I got so better at hiding it.
So so good at hiding it that they don't see me crying on the shower floor, they don't see me holding back my tears, they don't see the endless tears pouring down my face underneath these fairylights, they don't hear how close I am to relapsing. They just don't. They chose not to see it.
How is it that I don't feel anything anymore when I look up at the stars?
Why don't the words just flow freely like it used to?
Why can't I feel shit other than this goddamn pain?
I'm not even sure if I'm fully alive or I'm just here, shutting everything out.
I just want to shut everything out.
yours truly,
ghost.
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