A little healing goes a long way
I start my day at exactly 11pm.
I'll put on a playlist which consists of smooth jazz and the tenderness of the days that I've dearly missed the view of my sky. Thinking of wearing my comfort clothes as I laid them out on my bed. My comfort clothes has always been clothes that belonged to other people; my mom's, my boyfriend's and my best friend's. It became comfort because in the time of need, I couldn't have them with me but wearing their clothes seems to put me in a very lovely mood.
And so, I step into the shower, either I'm crying on the floor and the scalding hot water turns my skin red or I take my time with myself, washing every remnants of sadness I have within me, feeling the water wash it all away and feeling like I'm brand new. Somewhat like my very own personal fresh start.
I'll make some coffee to freshen up, some lemon and water to stay hydrated, my favorite meal to get myself to eat since eating has become a chore rather than a necessity to me. And when I'm finally done with my skincare routine, I'll get myself to start writing, to start myself off with a work that could help my heart be filled with ease and contentment, like what I'm doing at this very moment.
I've been trying to not be harsh on myself, I've been trying to take it easy and be gentle with myself in a way that I take care of others. It's something that I often overlooked, I tend to be more forgiving, more generous and kind to others even when they seem to forget about me but when it comes to myself... I've been nothing but harsh, punishing myself over and over again for the things that I cannot control, for things that other people have done to me, for all the pain and sadness that I treat with more pain rather than take some time to heal it.
I think, that's the side effect of growing up too fast in the age of a progressive society which puts more emphasis to materialistic success rather than self-awareness and self-growth.
Especially in a time where you are forced to deal with yourself in isolation. The first few weeks of quarantine really hit me hard, I was on the verge of completely letting go. I refuse to help myself but instead, occupied myself with the workload of assignments, painting and ignoring my emotions for the longest time.
I preached self care ever since I had my social media accounts, I use it as a platform to spread my feelings and help other people through my words yet I failed to practice what I preached. I talked about emotions for the longest of time, and I always ended up in a dead-end as to how to help myself. But one night, it hit me hard. I found myself begging to Him for help. I found myself praying day and night in hope to seek the light and guidance I so desperately needed.
I'm not the one to be so honest and open in the things I faced in my life, and to write it out for the world to see, but it helped me a lot and I hope whoever is reading this can get the light and guidance that I'm slowly healing with.
I always questioned Him as to why is He making me go through this? Why am I the one who seems to be going through the most at this age? Why is there so much pain and sadness that I can never run away from? Why am I still here when I hate hearing my own heart beating?
I used to think that He was punishing me, to show me what was doing wrong, and I blocked Him out of my life. But recently, I've met a few beautiful souls who keep repeating the same thing to me, over and over again;
"Allah gives the hardest test to His most beloved servants. This is His way of making you grow and be better for yourself and Him. Put your trust and faith in His plans for you, you will go through the most difficult hardships in this life and you'll surely be blessed in the Hereafter if you keep Him by your side as He always keeps you in His embrace no matter what."
And with those words that I keep in mind every day, it keeps me going even when I'm feeling like I'm getting worse, even in those bad nights, even in my self hatred and depression, I keep those words so close to my heart and begin to see just how quickly I could pick myself up. I turn to Him whenever I could, I prayed to Him day and night for His love and guidance. And I start to see life in a whole other perspective. I never felt the power in prayers and du'a until now. Just how talking to Him and expressing every emotion I have in my heart and the every thoughts that crossed my mind, He showed me light in the form of other people relaying His words onto me in a gentle manner. He sent me the people that have showed me His love and mercy in my life to take care of me, to hold my hand onto the path of healing.
A simple duty such as praying was really the first step in healing.
In His words that I find steps to take care of my heart and mind, in His words that I began to fully see life as it is. No longer are the days and weeks I spend to get back up on my feet, with His help, it only take a matter of seconds. And I'm thankful that He's taking care of my heart and sent the people who helped me restore my faith in Him. Because at the end of the day, no one could help you if you refuse to help yourself, and only He knows what's in your heart and mind, only He knows what's best for you and how to help you.
Put your complete faith and trust in Him, and He'll show you love and light in a graceful manner that you'll accept with ease.
yours truly,
rosy.
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