letters to you

"don't fly too close to the sun,"

To the girl who used to be my precious angel,

You came into my life when the whole world was against me. You came into my life a lot like the first light of the day, a sign of hope, forever benevolent and blinding yet the solace you brought was like hearing the sea hitting the shores; it was quite loud yet the comfort it brings to my heart felt a lot like a safe place. You were my safe place. 
You picked me up and held me in your arms when I completely fell apart and all I felt was pain pulsating through my veins. You held me in your embrace that was filled with warmth and care. You were full of love that you were ready to give it all to help me heal. Or so I thought. 
I see you as an angel, Heaven sent you to me and I paint you in the most purest of colors, bright streaks of yellow representing the happiness you radiated, layers and layers of white paint to cover all the hurtful parts of you that I pushed away yet as beautiful and precious you were to me,
I was blinded.

For the amount of mornings and nights we've spent together, cigarettes between our fingers, heart cracked open, laughter and wise words were exchanged, we showered each other with love, care and growth to experience it all together. The memories and rush of emotions I've went through with you was everything to me, it was everything.

I valued you more than life itself, I was ready to exchange all my happiness with your hurt just to see you happy again. I was ready to sacrifice it all when it came to you, and how much my heart had infinite pools of love for you. I loved you then and I love you still. I already made a home within my heart just so you could drop your anchor some day and give you everything you need to heal. I was ready to be there throughout everything.

And I guess, my love for you completely blinded me. I fell for your words and actions and what you choose to show me to the point I refuse to accept the truth behind it all. I choose to close my eyes at all the parts that hurt me. How selfless was I when it came to you and only you. How I choose to only see you on the high pedestal I put you on, how amazingly beautiful your soul was, how I fell for your kindness and tenderness to the point that I fell apart when I saw the truth.

You were busy being enthralled and infatuated by the burning sun, and just like Icarus, you pushed aside all warnings and soon enough, I watched helplessly as your wings melted and into the sea, you tumbled and drowned. You were drowning, sinking into the floor of the sea, and no matter how hard you tried to pull you up onto the surface, it was as if the sea was swallowing you whole and you choose to let the water fill your lungs but it's okay.
It was okay. I still tried my very best to wash all your wounds clean, and help you as you try to help yourself to heal from it all. And for the longest of time, I thought you were okay. I thought you were finally yourself again.
Up until you choose to chase after the sun again. After all the heartache, the pain, the days of sorrow and sadness, you still choose him over and over again and I can't do anything but watch it happen all over again with the hopes you find it in your heart to look away from it and find the wonders that awaits you at the shore.
No matter how much I screamed for you, you've blinded yourself completely to be with him, not caring about the burns you've suffered, the scorching heat burning your heart off, the withered feathers of your wings and how much ache I've suffered to see you walk onto the path of self destruction.

I realized that I can't help you if it's your choice to blind yourself from the sunlight.
I can't help you heal if you choose to hurt yourself over and over again.
I can't help you if you choose to turn away from all the scars and fresh wounds that kept on reopening from him.
I can't help you even if I have so much love and care for you yet you choose to push it away to feed your starved heart with his half-assed love.
I can't help you, even if I tried because you'll keep going back to square one, willing to put yourself in a cycle of suffering.

Yet if this is what love is to you, if this is what happiness looks like to you, I pity all the beautiful things of the world that awaits you.
I can't keep putting you number one in my life when you refuse to put yourself first. It'll hurt me, crush me, break me to lose you but you taught me selfishness. So I'll pray to the Heavens above to care for you and tend to your wounds because they're the only ones who are powerful enough to pull you away from the sun and make you see the disastrous effect of it all.
I'll pray for the very best of you, with all the love I have in my heart for you, I wish for you to finally get the bigger picture of it all.

With love,
rosy.

I start my day at exactly 11pm.

I'll put on a playlist which consists of smooth jazz and the tenderness of the days that I've dearly missed the view of my sky. Thinking of wearing my comfort clothes as I laid them out on my bed. My comfort clothes has always been clothes that belonged to other people; my mom's, my boyfriend's and my best friend's. It became comfort because in the time of need, I couldn't have them with me but wearing their clothes seems to put me in a very lovely mood. 
And so, I step into the shower, either I'm crying on the floor and the scalding hot water turns my skin red or I take my time with myself, washing every remnants of sadness I have within me, feeling the water wash it all away and feeling like I'm brand new. Somewhat like my very own personal fresh start. 
I'll make some coffee to freshen up, some lemon and water to stay hydrated, my favorite meal to get myself to eat since eating has become a chore rather than a necessity to me. And when I'm finally done with my skincare routine, I'll get myself to start writing, to start myself off with a work that could help my heart be filled with ease and contentment, like what I'm doing at this very moment.

I've been trying to not be harsh on myself, I've been trying to take it easy and be gentle with myself in a way that I take care of others. It's something that I often overlooked, I tend to be more forgiving, more generous and kind to others even when they seem to forget about me but when it comes to myself... I've been nothing but harsh, punishing myself over and over again for the things that I cannot control, for things that other people have done to me, for all the pain and sadness that I treat with more pain rather than take some time to heal it.
I think, that's the side effect of growing up too fast in the age of a progressive society which puts more emphasis to materialistic success rather than self-awareness and self-growth.
Especially in a time where you are forced to deal with yourself in isolation. The first few weeks of quarantine really hit me hard, I was on the verge of completely letting go. I refuse to help myself but instead, occupied myself with the workload of assignments, painting and ignoring my emotions for the longest time.
I preached self care ever since I had my social media accounts, I use it as a platform to spread my feelings and help other people through my words yet I failed to practice what I preached. I talked about emotions for the longest of time, and I always ended up in a dead-end as to how to help myself. But one night, it hit me hard. I found myself begging to Him for help. I found myself praying day and night in hope to seek the light and guidance I so desperately needed.
I'm not the one to be so honest and open in the things I faced in my life, and to write it out for the world to see, but it helped me a lot and I hope whoever is reading this can get the light and guidance that I'm slowly healing with.
I always questioned Him as to why is He making me go through this? Why am I the one who seems to be going through the most at this age? Why is there so much pain and sadness that I can never run away from? Why am I still here when I hate hearing my own heart beating?
I used to think that He was punishing me, to show me what  was doing wrong, and I blocked Him out of my life. But recently, I've met a few beautiful souls who keep repeating the same thing to me, over and over again;


And with those words that I keep in mind every day, it keeps me going even when I'm feeling like I'm getting worse, even in those bad nights, even in my self hatred and depression, I keep those words so close to my heart and begin to see just how quickly I could pick myself up. I turn to Him whenever I could, I prayed to Him day and night for His love and guidance. And I start to see life in a whole other perspective. I never felt the power in prayers and du'a until now. Just how talking to Him and expressing every emotion I have in my heart and the every thoughts that crossed my mind, He showed me light in the form of other people relaying His words onto me in a gentle manner. He sent me the people that have showed me His love and mercy in my life to take care of me, to hold my hand onto the path of healing.
A simple duty such as praying was really the first step in healing.
In His words that I find steps to take care of my heart and mind, in His words that I began to fully see life as it is. No longer are the days and weeks I spend to get back up on my feet, with His help, it only take a matter of seconds. And I'm thankful that He's taking care of my heart and sent the people who helped me restore my faith in Him. Because at the end of the day, no one could help you if you refuse to help yourself, and only He knows what's in your heart and mind, only He knows what's best for you and how to help you.
Put your complete faith and trust in Him, and He'll show you love and light in a graceful manner that you'll accept with ease.

yours truly,
rosy.

"who are you?"

I often blur my mind with what people think of me, I hurt myself with it,