letters to you

"do you take pride in your hurt?"

Dreams of you often come and go; it only comes when I fell asleep with a vacant heart and the need to feel loved, it goes once your laughter rings in my ears and all I can remember is the touch of your skin against mine.

I woke up this morning, trying to choke back a sob and my body ache from the remnants of one's anger and all I needed was you. And the more I think about it, the more painful it became.
 I can't need you.
I shouldn't need you.
Because I knew that no matter how much they claim to care and love you, they won't be there when you need them.
And I hated myself for needing someone as bad as I needed you when you're out there, living life as it is when I'm right here, contemplating to end it all. I hated myself for a lot of reasons, but most of all, for putting myself in a position to get hurt by being so dependent on other people. It reminded me of the days where I shut everyone out and all I had was myself, all I needed to do was deal with it by myself because it has always been like that and it has always been true. 
That was the agonizingly painful truth that hurts me the most; I had to face everything on my own. 
Something that would break me even more and left me to disappear.