r a w
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| " you tore me up inside and i stayed that way ever since." |
It has always become my weakness, my fear and pain itself.
I can never step out of this body and bare my naked soul to anyone. Never. Yet somehow, you slipped into my life so quietly that without realizing, i was peeling off the layers and layers of the mask I put on for the world to see. As time consumed us, with each phone call, the endless nights we've spent, the words you've given me... I stand before you, with every scar glimmering under the moonlight, every pain laid out and even the harshest thoughts all put on display like a museum filled with vile items with all the saddest words in the world as its description.
I fear the aftermath of it, always preparing myself for the worst yet you took it with such tenderness that i grew more comfortable to let you have a glimpse of the darkest corners of my being, the very corners that I couldn't reach, the ones that I've kept hidden for so long, awaiting its time to resurface and end it all. In what seems like such a short period of time, every inch of me belonged to you. With it, I put all the love, care and the immense amount of trust in the palms of your delicate hands in hopes you'd treat it gently as much as you could. In hopes that I'd be blessed enough to have you letting me love every inch of you.
The sky grew darker in ways that my days have been recently. As the bad dreams got worse to the point I find myself waking up drenched with sweat and tears, the words I've received got harsher and so brutal that i bleed on the cold, hard floor, and the breaths i take became harder the hatred towards this beating heart grew more as each day passes by. I've lost hope.
For some reason, I've held on. For the two people I have loved so dearly, I hold onto them even if it became unbearable, I held on. Due to them, some days get easier, ended with love and care, filled with laughter and it almost felt like I was walking on air. Just some days that I grew to become blessed enough to still be alive.
More often, I wished nothing but to leave and disappear to the point desperation fills me up and episodes of losing control became a daily occurrence.
I was afraid of the things that were about to happen, things that could've change us, things that could make us lose each other in ways that it leaves a mark that can never be erased. How hard we tried to never hurt each other and along the way, in my own selfish way, we ended up letting the inevitable happen.
I could never blame you for the way you see me, thoughts of me nor the words you have given me. The aftermath of it all, left me curled up with the pain eating me up inside. And I should've known better how powerful words can be.
All the feelings I've kept hidden, you evoked it so easily, calling it out to light.
It scared me just how you bring out the vulnerabilities in me.
It feared me just how all the weaknesses I have was laid out before you.
It terrified me just how much you cared for me and loved me to the point I wanted to leave and hide away and just disappear completely.
And I wished I could have all my secrets back, how I wished I took my own advice instead of being reminded just why I never did it in the first place, how I wished to only hide and never come to light again. And I want to hide. I want to be kept hidden from everything and everyone. No one deserves to have such a vile museum visit in their lives, no one should ever love and care for something so shattered and painful and I never want to be one of the regrets nor pain in one's life.
yours truly,
g h o s t
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