letters to you

" you were my safe haven, always."

People was busy lighting up candles the moment they turned 20, I was busy lighting up a cigarette as the sun sets and the rain washed away the sadness I felt at the moment. Nothing felt more numb than the wave of realization that you're 20 and you haven't done shit with your life. But it was something new to me, the first time I've never really celebrated my birthday, and I couldn't decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

The good thing was, I spent my birthday with the one person who truly see me. The one who saw me in the dark when I was curled up in a ball and begged them to make the pain stop, the one who listens to the ugliest thoughts I had for myself, the one who made me laugh so hard that I almost forgot what pain felt like. The only one who managed to see through me and love every inch of me, who came into my life when I had nothing to offer but my words and my pain. I could never thank God enough who brought the light into my life when all I could ever see was nothing. She gave me all the strength I needed to pull through the harshest storms, the songs I so badly needed to listen to just to make everything okay, just for a moment.
The girl who loved me enough when everybody else was desperate to fix me just to have me back, but no, she let me feel the pain, she let me broke down and made me feel the most vulnerable and weak at the moment. And she loved me enough to hold me back until the pieces heal slowly even with scars and all, she loved me enough to hold my hand and pull me close to her whenever we're crossing the road because she knows how close I am to jumping in front of cars, she loved me enough and it was all I ever need. She's my own angel.

And to the basketball guy who drowned out the world with his beautiful playlist, who appeared in my life a lot like sleeping, slowly and all at once. It was exactly like that, what started out as me adoring this mysterious boy who seems to enjoy his own solitude, to me sitting across him on the rooftop, sharing a cigarette and a bottle Barbican with him. Maybe it was the books he read, or the words he gave to her, or the way he says "lepak lu" when I was desperate to leave this world that made me have faith in myself.
The boy who reminded me of my favorite character; Sky. Silence was his favorite flavor, the music he listens to, the books he reads are what made him who he is, who shows you care in the most vague way possible; it was through his words, the little thing he does, the effort he puts in. I could never see myself spending time with a boy like him, let alone get a glimpse of who he is. But god, I am far beyond lucky to know him, the way I do now. Here's to my own Sky, who loves silence yet beautiful conversations as much as he does gazing at the night sky filled with stars.

With this, I present to you, my own little Sad Breakfast Club members.

yours truly,

" The right people at the right time with the perfect playlist and a beautiful view."

Sometimes a beautiful moment couldn't be captured enough but through pictures, songs and just the people in it. 

The basketball guy, cherry red lips girl and the rosy cheeks girl. All on the same rooftop as the sun sets and the sky change colors. The sun was replaced by the half moon and the infinite amount of stars littered the sky. I couldn't be more in love with the moment itself. It was somewhat a spot where we lay our naked souls out at the most ungodly hours, knowing that it'd be safe there. Our own secret spot in this hell of a place. It was the things that I never told anyone before, not even my boyfriend.

 But the amount of safe, warmth and care these two people hold, made me put my whole trust in them. Was it a mistake? a blessing? I 'd never know but I'd like to believe that it's the latter. Let me tell you about the two people who managed to give me another reason to live and the ones who made me feel alive.

The basketball guy;

" here's to the boy with curly hair and sleepy eyes. for you are the type of soul who deserve to be written in the stars."

I'd never imagine myself getting to know this boy, the boy who always spent his time alone with a basketball in hand and earphones in to drown out the world. He was the type of boy that would be hard to get close to, for all the things he kept in his heart was off limits. It wasn't something he wanted to touch, but it was the one thing he kept trying to push it away yet keep close with him in ways only he'd understand. It was the way he walks that made people know, "oh, he ain't the type of person you wanna mess with," because at times when pain filled his heart, his words were laced with venom. You could never deny that a part of him was endearing and only the lucky ones get to have a glimpse of it. Oh and his words, his fucking words for a girl that he adores, it was the words that left you speechless, that made you think if it was really from him. Maybe it was heavily influenced by the countless amount of books he read or the heavenly music he listens to. I would never expected myself, to sit with this boy and have the pleasure of knowing him as I do right now.
To the basketball guy, you're far more than what meets the eye and the ones who you let into your life, are the luckiest ones. You just never realize just how rare of a person you are, rare in a way that leaves people breathless when they see you as who you are.

The cherry red lips girl;

" To the girl who holds my heart and has my soul in her palms, for your beauty is far too overwhelming for this universe."

She's a fucking angel. An angel who you'd never knew you needed in your life. She gave me strength when I couldn't handle anything anymore. The one who knows me inside and out, the one who made me brave. The one who showed me the reasons why I should stay. just for a little while. The one who taught me to wear layer after layer of lipsticks. She's the one. The one soul who I find too beautiful for existence.
She's an angel; beautiful, delicate, soft, graceful and breathtaking in every way possible.

Every time she walks into the room, people will turn their heads to look at that light, yes, she's the light in every corner of the darkness. She's the light that kissed your skin when you wake up in the morning, feeling contentment filling your heart. She's the light that came in the form of twinkling stars when you find yourself looking up at the dark sky while you're beating yourself up. She's that immense light people often look for because that's exactly what they need.

I can't put into words how breathtakingly beautiful she is; from her eyes perceiving the world, to the lips that only spoke of softness, to the hands that had the touch of magical kindness, the feet that brought her to see the aesthetics of the universe. Her soul are only decorated with the petals of the most rare flowers, words of an agonized poet, music that only the angels would sing of. Oh the way she dresses, Michaelangelo would beg at her feet to at least get a touch of the thread that enhanced her features. But when her eyes laid upon a mirror, she failed to see the little details of her own allurement. 


I've always tried to put her into the most beautiful yet poetic words that I could come up with but with a soul like hers... Words are no longer enough and only God knows how much of an angel she is. 




Here's to the two beautiful souls I've had the pleasure of knowing and hold dear to my heart.

yours truly,
rosy cheeks girl.