letters to you: March 2018

" I'm exactly where I want to be"

I often dream of running away when I was 13 years old, the feeling of being ashamed of yourself could make you want to be someone else in some place else. I was never the favorite in the family, I was the one who got pressured to live up to people's expectation, I was the one who argued with the two people who brought me into this world, making me feel like I was their biggest mistake.
By the time I turned 15 years old, I didn't want to go anywhere, I often prayed and begged the stars to take me away because everything became too much for me to handle. The self loathing, self destructiveness, the isolation, the pain... It was too much for a girl my age to face. I didn't even want to breathe anymore.
17 years old, I talked about really running away again. But with someone by my side, a boy with messy curly hair and brown eyes that chewed me in and spit me out just to have him hold me so carefully again because he's afraid he might broke me again. We talked about the late night adventures, the driving into the city with our favorite songs, the museums we'd run through hand in hand, all in a phone call at 2 a.m. How the idea of having a partner in crime to fight against the world could make me want to live again.

2018 and all I wanted to do is go home. Either it's 30 minute drive to a house filled with therapeutic cats and home cooked meals or the nights spent in the arms of a 24 year old boy whispering "i love you"s until sleep took me away.

Day 153 of college life, the days have been dark in the past few weeks. I often find myself being left alone at the times that i needed people the most. The thought of spending the weekends alone was enticing but I knew better to not let that absence consume me again. It was enough that I bruised my knuckles the last time it happened.

I wanted to go home.
Just the feeling of walking into the house and having cats meowing by your feet while looking up at you, the smell of home cooked meals and desserts in the fridge saved by your mom just to make sure you get the taste of it, the comfortableness of your own bed and the feeling of being surrounded by people who loves you. It's funny how I always wanted to run away from them, leaving them because how often they hurt me. But now, they're all I have.

Almost turning 20 years old, and I saw how distance could change me, a change of scenery affected me. Back then, I was never the one with a great sense of style, or had the passion for learning, the motivation to lead a healthy lifestyle, or even have great relationships with people, I didn't even want to be a better person to start with. Most of the people I knew and grew fond of back then, aren't with me now. And I felt like I could finally breathe again. With a new place, new people, I have the chance to be someone who I always wanted to be.

There are days that hurt me to the point it got hard to get out of bed, but I'd never let it lull me to sleep. Over the course of 7 years going through depression, I'm proud to say that I'm finally someone that I look up to. With a few flaws, and mistakes because that's what makes me human. I'm finally where I want to be. I'm someone who actually has a sense of style, learning the things that I'm passionate about, writing essays, making notes, learning new things everyday, working on a healthy lifestyle because I deserve self care after losing years to self hatred, and to have a small circle of people in my life. For once, I have something to look forward to every day. I have things to do, the things that i enjoy doing, places to go with the people I love, the endless amount of happiness and love that I find in small moments.

It was days like these that I needed to remind myself how far I've gotten, how amazing it is to finally breathe. I thank the stars that accompany me on nights that I begged them to take me away, for making me stay. Sometimes holding on isn't really a bad thing, because it what made me see how beautiful the gifts that the universe could give us.

yours truly,
ghost.

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