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letters to you

These words are written for you, for me and for the ones who need it

"touch me the way you used to do, "

I didn't miss your lust for love.
But I miss your lovely touches on my skin, the lingering kisses you left on my soul, the words you spill onto my mind. I miss that. I miss the way you sometimes hide your face in the crook of my neck, like you're a little boy and in some ways you are. You're too good for this world to be quite honest, and I don't deserve you. I don't.
I miss how your smile could light up my day and your laugh made me look at the stars and thank them for making me stay.
There are a thousand ways I could say that I miss you but none of them will ever be enough. I thought I was great at love but I wasn't, I was shitty at it because you proved to me how great of a lover you are. And for me, to be loved by you is an absolute privilege.

I miss you, I miss your love.

yours truly,
ghost.
" I'm so fucked up, so so fucked, darling."
The words were all over the place. 
The pages were strewn all over the place. 
The tears were all over my skin 
The fucking pieces of my heart is on the floor. 
The little bits of sanity left in my mind is getting lost in the midst of the goddamn chaos.

Maybe it was the stress or the damage you left behind with me. But it's falling apart. Little by little, slowly yet painfully and I swear to god, it's killing me, you're killing me. You're out there, having the time of your life with the ones who hurt you and here I am, so fucking sick of this pain and whatever mess is going on in my mind. You know, it's not fair. It's not fair that the ones who have went through so much pain can't feel happiness genuinely. It's not fair that we're stuck with feeling like we don't deserve happiness. 

" You're looking so much better,"
"You look happier,"
"I'm glad that you're getting better,"
"You've changed, I'm so proud of you,"
 
The madness, the sadness, the self destructiveness is still here, it doesn't go away completely. I also thought that "Wow, I'm finally getting better, I'm finally a changed person," But sorry to break your little heart honey, I just got better at faking it and pretending that I'm alright when the pieces are barely holding up. I got so good at faking it until I fucking believed that cruel lie. 

And I got so better at hiding it.
So so good at hiding it that they don't see me crying on the shower floor, they don't see me holding back my tears, they don't see the endless tears pouring down my face underneath these fairylights, they don't hear how close I am to relapsing. They just don't. They chose not to see it. 

How is it that I don't feel anything anymore when I look up at the stars?
Why don't the words just flow freely like it used to?
Why can't I feel shit other than this goddamn pain?
I'm not even sure if I'm fully alive or I'm just here, shutting everything out.

I just want to shut everything out.


yours truly,
ghost.
" fuck you, for being too beautiful for existence. "
I could have fallen in love with you a thousand times over and over again. The moment I see that familiar brown eyes, I tasted true happiness. I've always rejected the idea of someone who is exactly like your dreams is out there somewhere.
But you.
You were more than perfect. No, wait. I never wanted perfect. 
I wanted flawed, and you were flawed and perfect at the same time.
How is it even possible?
You were ordinary, but there was something about you that is out of this universe. 
Or maybe I romanticized you a bit too much.
That's a new hobby of mine; romanticizing. God, even the word is beautiful. 
I romanticize you in a way that made a lot of people fell in love with you through my words. 
I romanticize you in words that were elegantly written and used by poets.
I romanticize you as if I was trying to get the stars to bless you.
I romanticize you in ways that I fell in love with you ore than once every single day.
These romanticize were never lies. It's the truth. The beautiful truth of how breathtaking your soul is. I can never get tired of adoring you, writing about you, choosing you, loving you, and supporting you and just savoring every inch of who you are.
The words that swims through my mind when I see you is just keeps on overwhelming me. It makes my heart melt and I see the stars and beauty around me and poetic words escape my lips.
I see you and everything is yours. I love yu, I love you, I love you and I love you enough to say that you were never meant to be trapped in a human body. You were made to be something far more beautiful than the moon, to be adored and inspired.

You are you, and hell, you're a goddamn masterpiece.
My masterpiece.


yours truly,
ghost.
" My life doesn't matter."
I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that I don't want to be alive.
I'm so sorry that I've pushed everyone away to the point that my loneliness is the only thing I have.
I'm sorry that I finally let my thoughts win.
I'm sorry that me being gone is hurting you so much, I swear that hurting you is the last thing I want to do.
But I'm so fucking sorry that I can't take the pain anymore.
I don't know, I just...snapped. Maybe it was the bad days. Maybe it was those hurtful words. Maybe it's just the pain.
It was getting too much and too loud and I couldn't fucking breathe anymore. Please understand, I'm not being selfish, I just grew tired of the world. I don't want to be a part of this anymore. It gets too much. Too fucking much. Maybe I am just a mistake, you know? I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I am so fucking sorry.

yours truly,
ghost 













I finally wanted to be alive. There's always a light even in the dead of night.
Hold on. Hold on and see the beauty of everything.
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