letters to you

" you were my safe haven, always."

People was busy lighting up candles the moment they turned 20, I was busy lighting up a cigarette as the sun sets and the rain washed away the sadness I felt at the moment. Nothing felt more numb than the wave of realization that you're 20 and you haven't done shit with your life. But it was something new to me, the first time I've never really celebrated my birthday, and I couldn't decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

The good thing was, I spent my birthday with the one person who truly see me. The one who saw me in the dark when I was curled up in a ball and begged them to make the pain stop, the one who listens to the ugliest thoughts I had for myself, the one who made me laugh so hard that I almost forgot what pain felt like. The only one who managed to see through me and love every inch of me, who came into my life when I had nothing to offer but my words and my pain. I could never thank God enough who brought the light into my life when all I could ever see was nothing. She gave me all the strength I needed to pull through the harshest storms, the songs I so badly needed to listen to just to make everything okay, just for a moment.
The girl who loved me enough when everybody else was desperate to fix me just to have me back, but no, she let me feel the pain, she let me broke down and made me feel the most vulnerable and weak at the moment. And she loved me enough to hold me back until the pieces heal slowly even with scars and all, she loved me enough to hold my hand and pull me close to her whenever we're crossing the road because she knows how close I am to jumping in front of cars, she loved me enough and it was all I ever need. She's my own angel.

And to the basketball guy who drowned out the world with his beautiful playlist, who appeared in my life a lot like sleeping, slowly and all at once. It was exactly like that, what started out as me adoring this mysterious boy who seems to enjoy his own solitude, to me sitting across him on the rooftop, sharing a cigarette and a bottle Barbican with him. Maybe it was the books he read, or the words he gave to her, or the way he says "lepak lu" when I was desperate to leave this world that made me have faith in myself.
The boy who reminded me of my favorite character; Sky. Silence was his favorite flavor, the music he listens to, the books he reads are what made him who he is, who shows you care in the most vague way possible; it was through his words, the little thing he does, the effort he puts in. I could never see myself spending time with a boy like him, let alone get a glimpse of who he is. But god, I am far beyond lucky to know him, the way I do now. Here's to my own Sky, who loves silence yet beautiful conversations as much as he does gazing at the night sky filled with stars.

With this, I present to you, my own little Sad Breakfast Club members.

yours truly,

" The right people at the right time with the perfect playlist and a beautiful view."

Sometimes a beautiful moment couldn't be captured enough but through pictures, songs and just the people in it.

The basketball guy, cherry red lips girl and the rosy cheeks girl. All on the same rooftop as the sun sets and the sky change colors. The sun was replaced by the half moon and the infinite amount of stars littered the sky. I couldn't be more in love with the moment itself. It was somewhat a spot where we lay our naked souls out at the most ungodly hours, knowing that it'd be safe there. Our own secret spot in this hell of a place. It was the things that I never told anyone before, not even my boyfriend.

But the amount of safe, warmth and care these two people hold, made me put my whole trust in them. Was it a mistake? a blessing? I 'd never know but I'd like to believe that it's the latter. Let me tell you about the two people who managed to give me another reason to live and the ones who made me feel alive.

The basketball guy;

" here's to the boy with curly hair and sleepy eyes. for you are the type of soul who deserve to be written in the stars."

I'd never imagine myself getting to know this boy, the boy who always spent his time alone with a basketball in hand and earphones in to drown out the world. He was the type of boy that would be hard to get close to, for all the things he kept in his heart was off limits. It wasn't something he wanted to touch, but it was the one thing he kept trying to push it away yet keep close with him in ways only he'd understand. It was the way he walks that made people know, "oh, he ain't the type of person you wanna mess with," because at times when pain filled his heart, his words were laced with venom. You could never deny that a part of him was endearing and only the lucky ones get to have a glimpse of it. Oh and his words, his fucking words for a girl that he adores, it was the words that left you speechless, that made you think if it was really from him. Maybe it was heavily influenced by the countless amount of books he read or the heavenly music he listens to. I would never expected myself, to sit with this boy and have the pleasure of knowing him as I do right now.
To the basketball guy, you're far more than what meets the eye and the ones who you let into your life, are the luckiest ones. You just never realize just how rare of a person you are, rare in a way that leaves people breathless when they see you as who you are.

The cherry red lips girl;

" To the girl who holds my heart and has my soul in her palms, for your beauty is far too overwhelming for this universe."

She's a fucking angel. An angel who you'd never knew you needed in your life. She gave me strength when I couldn't handle anything anymore. The one who knows me inside and out, the one who made me brave. The one who showed me the reasons why I should stay. just for a little while. The one who taught me to wear layer after layer of lipsticks. She's the one. The one soul who I find too beautiful for existence.
She's an angel; beautiful, delicate, soft, graceful and breathtaking in every way possible.

Every time she walks into the room, people will turn their heads to look at that light, yes, she's the light in every corner of the darkness. She's the light that kissed your skin when you wake up in the morning, feeling contentment filling your heart. She's the light that came in the form of twinkling stars when you find yourself looking up at the dark sky while you're beating yourself up. She's that immense light people often look for because that's exactly what they need.

I can't put into words how breathtakingly beautiful she is; from her eyes perceiving the world, to the lips that only spoke of softness, to the hands that had the touch of magical kindness, the feet that brought her to see the aesthetics of the universe. Her soul are only decorated with the petals of the most rare flowers, words of an agonized poet, music that only the angels would sing of. Oh the way she dresses, Michaelangelo would beg at her feet to at least get a touch of the thread that enhanced her features. But when her eyes laid upon a mirror, she failed to see the little details of her own allurement.

I've always tried to put her into the most beautiful yet poetic words that I could come up with but with a soul like hers... Words are no longer enough and only God knows how much of an angel she is.

Here's to the two beautiful souls I've had the pleasure of knowing and hold dear to my heart.

yours truly,
rosy cheeks girl.

“늦게 피는 꽃은 있어도 피지 않는 꽃은 없다.”

— There may be late bloomers but there are no flowers that don’t bloom.

Compilation of life tips and habits to pick up inspired by Nayyirah Waheed and Soieange beautiful words.

You need silence as much as you need air to breathe
Don't give up reading, keep doing it
Make your heart the most beautiful thing about you.
Be that person that disappeared to live a life.
You don't need other people to live, you'll open your life up to a quiet and peaceful independence.
Glamorize going to bed early.
Go on mindful walks by yourself.
Appreciate and value yourself
Some days are for falling in love, some days for cities, some for your time in solitude.
Drink more water, stay hydrated and glow.
Wake up everyday and get used to being productive.
You're allowed to be kind to yourself.
Learn to say "No" without feeling guilty.
Listen, pay attention.
Leave your pain here, go out and do magnificent things.
What would you do if you weren't afraid? Then, go do it.
More blush, more books, less caring what people think of you.
Understand people's love languages.
Speak to people in such way that if they died the next day, you're satisfied with it.
Save money to the point you don't even need to look at the price tag.
Tell people what you really think of them.
Delete conversations with people you don't talk to.
Clean sheets make clean sleep make clean minds.
If things don't work out, don't force them.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
A glass of water and a good rest can go a long way.
Charm people with your intelligence.
Care about your inner beauty and mind.
Learn to love without condition with the right people.
Be kind to people, always.
Do not be ashamed of living through something
Fail splendidly, fail comfortably, use failure as a redirect. Not a measure of worth or value. Fail beautifully.
Dress elegantly, powerfully in a way that it catches the eys of people who appreciate beauty.
"The law of attraction simply says that you attract in your life whatever you think about. Your dominant thoughts will find a way to manifest,"

yours truly,

g h o s t

"out of sight but you're not out of my mind"

I wanted the type of love where labels were never our thing, where we were just two souls in love, the moon was the witness of our adventures and the connection between us were far more breathtaking than the stars' love towards the moon.

I wanted the "kiss me with adventure" "i made you a playlist" "i wrote something for you" "this made me think of you" "late night adventures" type of love.

I wanted someone to just randomly ask me out for late night walks where we listen to each other's playlist together and fingers intertwined as our steps match against the beat of our songs.

I wanted someone to sing out loud in the car with as we drive through cities together and the wind's in my hair and his eyes are filled with stars.

I wanted someone to dance with in the middle of the store's aisle just because we heard our song playing through the speakers.

I wanted to hold someone's hand while we run through the art gallery together and whisper in their ear how beautiful they are to be such a masterpiece, putting the rest to shame when they're here with me.

I wanted someone to go to cafes with and have coffee together without uttering a single word, where we just enjoy each other's company and breathe in the words we wrote for each other, how lovely would it be.

I wanted someone to paint the sky on canvas with me but just ended up drawing each other with few strokes of pastel colors against our clothes and skin.

I wanted someone to call me up at 2 a.m, pouring their hearts out of how endlessly in love they are at the moment and sometimes, those ungodly hours is the time where we would say the things we're afraid to say when the sun is up.

I wanted someone to just make my heart hammer against my chest only because their eyes managed to find mine among the sea of people between us. And it makes us feel like we're the only ones matter at the moment, to each other.

I wanted this type of love to not hurt.

I wanted this to last forever.

I want this type of love to be the ones I find myself sitting on the kitchen floor at 4 a.m with because my heart tends to feel heavy when the world is asleep, and I needed someone to hold my hand and kiss my scars and make me forget the immense pain I felt throughout the past years.

I wanted this type of love to be the ones I find myself dancing with to our playlist in the living room when the kids are asleep and this is the only time we have for ourselves.

I wanted this type of love to be the ones I spend my Sunday mornings with in bed as we look though a box of polaroid pictures and tell the stories behind each one of it.

I wanted this type of love to be the ones I see the world with, and fall in love with the universe all over again.

I wanted a type of love that was far to good for me to even have. I wanted a type of love that I knew I didn't deserve. But with my head in the clouds, everything seems so beautiful for once. I'll break my own heart waiting for my lover, but there's nothing wrong of having a breathtaking kind of love to dream of.

yours truly,

ghost.

"There are perks and flaws in growing up and getting busy with life."

For someone who had her heads in the clouds for the past 17 years, I fell in love with studying. People might never understand how the hell I love studying when all it does is tire your brain out. But to me, studying is a form of escape from how much of a mess my mind actually is. To read, learn something new and putting it into handwritten notes is somewhat a pleasure to me. Maybe it's because of what I'm learning, of how interested I am with it because it was the only thing I was good at.
My favorite part of my first year in uni was the fact one of my assignment consisted of having to read "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupery and write about it. I fell in love with a book in a way that i never have before, to get to know the details of every little thing in the book and appreciating it as it is. It made me fall back in love with reading and reminded me of how books was my best friend. How good it felt to breathe in words again.

And there were days where my mental state was never at its best, but the piles of work that sat on my table helped me get busy again instead of dwelling on the cruel words my mind threw at me. At the end of the day, when the work and the notes are done, I treat myself with a good movie and accompanied by a fancy home cooked meal. It was an accomplishment despite how fragile my mental state was at the time.

I'm almost turning 20, looking back, I realized how much I've grown and changed and lost over the years. I lost all my high school friends in a blink of an eye, and it took a toll on me.
A few weeks later, I find myself in the comfort of late night karaoke sessions, pouring our hearts out, weird afternoon conversations, among my small circle of beautiful souls. It took me almost 20 years to find true friends and I could never thank enough of how beautiful this feeling is.

But sometimes I get too busy studying because that's my passion and hanging out too much but I forget how to take a step back and breathe in love.
Love is not only a boy with golden brown eyes but a cup of coffee in a cute ass cafe, a book that holds a thousand miracles that changes your life, a walk late at night in cities that you're surrounded with. You get too busy with life that you forget to breathe in love.
Love that are in infinite amount of forms, in the littlest things.

yours truly,
ghost.

" I'm exactly where I want to be"

I often dream of running away when I was 13 years old, the feeling of being ashamed of yourself could make you want to be someone else in some place else. I was never the favorite in the family, I was the one who got pressured to live up to people's expectation, I was the one who argued with the two people who brought me into this world, making me feel like I was their biggest mistake.
By the time I turned 15 years old, I didn't want to go anywhere, I often prayed and begged the stars to take me away because everything became too much for me to handle. The self loathing, self destructiveness, the isolation, the pain... It was too much for a girl my age to face. I didn't even want to breathe anymore.
17 years old, I talked about really running away again. But with someone by my side, a boy with messy curly hair and brown eyes that chewed me in and spit me out just to have him hold me so carefully again because he's afraid he might broke me again. We talked about the late night adventures, the driving into the city with our favorite songs, the museums we'd run through hand in hand, all in a phone call at 2 a.m. How the idea of having a partner in crime to fight against the world could make me want to live again.

2018 and all I wanted to do is go home. Either it's 30 minute drive to a house filled with therapeutic cats and home cooked meals or the nights spent in the arms of a 24 year old boy whispering "i love you"s until sleep took me away.

Day 153 of college life, the days have been dark in the past few weeks. I often find myself being left alone at the times that i needed people the most. The thought of spending the weekends alone was enticing but I knew better to not let that absence consume me again. It was enough that I bruised my knuckles the last time it happened.

I wanted to go home.
Just the feeling of walking into the house and having cats meowing by your feet while looking up at you, the smell of home cooked meals and desserts in the fridge saved by your mom just to make sure you get the taste of it, the comfortableness of your own bed and the feeling of being surrounded by people who loves you. It's funny how I always wanted to run away from them, leaving them because how often they hurt me. But now, they're all I have.

Almost turning 20 years old, and I saw how distance could change me, a change of scenery affected me. Back then, I was never the one with a great sense of style, or had the passion for learning, the motivation to lead a healthy lifestyle, or even have great relationships with people, I didn't even want to be a better person to start with. Most of the people I knew and grew fond of back then, aren't with me now. And I felt like I could finally breathe again. With a new place, new people, I have the chance to be someone who I always wanted to be.

There are days that hurt me to the point it got hard to get out of bed, but I'd never let it lull me to sleep. Over the course of 7 years going through depression, I'm proud to say that I'm finally someone that I look up to. With a few flaws, and mistakes because that's what makes me human. I'm finally where I want to be. I'm someone who actually has a sense of style, learning the things that I'm passionate about, writing essays, making notes, learning new things everyday, working on a healthy lifestyle because I deserve self care after losing years to self hatred, and to have a small circle of people in my life. For once, I have something to look forward to every day. I have things to do, the things that i enjoy doing, places to go with the people I love, the endless amount of happiness and love that I find in small moments.

It was days like these that I needed to remind myself how far I've gotten, how amazing it is to finally breathe. I thank the stars that accompany me on nights that I begged them to take me away, for making me stay. Sometimes holding on isn't really a bad thing, because it what made me see how beautiful the gifts that the universe could give us.

yours truly,
ghost.

" God. please just fucking stop this pain. "

To all the boys who broke my heart,
Tell me, did it make you feel any better than the way you love me?
How did it felt like? Tearing me piece by piece, inch by inch, chewing me and spitting me out on the goddamn floor when all I have you was my everything?
Tell me, does your heart fucking ache when my tears were choking my voice and depression swallowed me whole and the self hatred becomes a reminder that I didn't deserve to fucking breathe at all?
Did it boost your ego when you got me begging on my knees to stop hurting and watch you do it all over again as if I didn't mean shit to you?
Do tell me, every beautiful lies you feed me, and the words I poured from my soul to you, did it went down the drain just like the attitude you pulled on me?
I loved you with my bare hands and soul. I loved you with every fucking thing I have.
Was it your happiness to see me breaking down on the fucking floor, begging God to take this pain away, to make me stop breathing in this emptiness and constant ache that tugged at my heart?

I loved you every single day and it made me weak.
You hurt me every fucking time and it made me strong.
Tell me, did it hit you so fucking hard when I gave you a taste of your own medicine?
I hope it chokes you, remind you every air that you breathe in that that's what you did to me. And I hope you wished you'd treat me better than ever but it's too fucking late.
You lost me the moment you let me sleep in the pain that you caused.
You lost me the moment you looked into my eye and promised that you'd never hurt me.
You lost me the moment you looked at my name and felt nothing.
You lost m the moment you taught me how to live a life without you.
You lost me the moment you made me realize how toxic you were to me.
You lost me.
You lost me for so many times that all it took was the slap of realization that you fucking hurt me and broke me for you to finally see it.
You lost me and there's no turning back.

That's the fucking end of it.

yours truly,
ghost.

" drop the act, I know you. "

To the girl who befriended me when I was 15.

To the only girl that had my full support, my trust and a view of my bare soul.
You were the only person to actually notice my pain, to understand me, to help me when I hit rock bottom. You were the only I let in, the one I turn to when my head had finally consumed me. You understood the pain, I know you do because you've been through it too. The only one I've got when the world caved in on me. You saw me at my worst, at my desperate of times, my helplessness, my worthlessness, my self hatred, my self destructive methods, you saw it all. I trusted you with it.

3 years later, and you broke it.
I always heard of how people say that you can't be trusted, you were selfish, you hurt people in a way that it could break them but I never did believe it. It was just rumors, right? I know that you're not that bad. But you proved me wrong. You lay it out in the public for people to judge me. My secrets, the parts of me that were ugly, you just couldn't be a friend, can you? You were a 'friend' to me just because I could be the hot topic for your gossips with your sister, didn't you? For your mothers and fathers and the whole family, right? You threw my dirty laundry out as if it couldn't affect me at all. I trusted you and I thought you were my only true friend, but you plunge that knife deeper on my back. I should've known from the way your sister looked at me, judging me as if I'm something disgusting. Your mouth, is the reason my name is tainted in dirt. Your goddamn mouth that just couldn't be kept shut.

But tell me, did it make you feel better about yourself by bringing other people down? Did it make you feel better after you cheated on your boyfriend and left him as if he meant nothing for you? Did it make you feel better after you stole your best friend's boyfriend just to keep the fun? Did it make you feel better when you gave snide remarks about other people just because of your own insecurities? Did it make you feel better about the scars on your hand when you compare it to mine? Did it make you feel better about yourself when you blabbed about it to your whole family because you could finally make them see you're a whole lot better than my pathetic ass? Tell me.
You think you're an inspiring woman just because you tweeted a quote that had people awed for you. You think you're the cool girl when you throw around insults to other people, brag about the wrong doings you have done to hurt other people. You think you're everything that people need in their life, but you're the exact opposite. You talk about being open minded when you're the biggest hypocrite of it all. You were selfish in so many hurtful ways. And god, I pray that you find a way to fix it all.

You helped me, I can never deny that. But fuck you for all the things you did just to make yourself feel better. fuck you.

To the girl who I look up to when I was 15, fuck you because I finally know how you really are. I know what you did, and I hope that you're finally a better version of yourself. But your past mistakes will come to haunt you. You deserve whatever you get because that's what you've been giving.

yours truly,
the woman who's strong enough to say goodbye.

" this mirror displays nothing but the mask you put on; fakeness. "

You know how people change? like the weather, so abruptly that it knocks you down?

You don't know how or why it happened but it did and you're so desperately trying to turn back time and just savour every piece of goodness you have there but you fucking can't.

You're just staring at the goddamn wall, thinking of how much has changed.

How everything was so perfect, was so good that it completely blinded you. And when the rainbow blew over, everything turn out to be just this cruel dream.

Like him.

For once, I thought; this is what I needed. maybe this time it will be right.

Those "just cry, it's okay. I'm here for you" turns into "stop crying, enough, okay? what could you possible do?"

Those "I want to know you, and I won't rush you or push you" turns into "just please tell me, talk to me, I want to settle everything now"

Those "it's okay, take your time. it's never wrong to be weak" turns into "I need you to be strong for me, i need it."

I was exhausted of love, sick and tired of it. Who would have thought this beautiful thing people keep romanticising about turns out to be this awful thing that weakens you, tire you out to the point you don't even have the strength to even breathe.

It wasn't just about love. Trust.

For a split second, I thought, I would've met new people, the ones I actually need in this life but I was drowning in a crowd of fakeness. These people, this society are horrible. How selfish human beings are when it comes to their own benefits. How cruel they were to satisfy their own lust and needs by hurting and tossing around people's hearts. How much pain they caused us without realising how deep the scar that they have left.

I am tired of trying to be strong.

I am tired of holding back tears.

I am tired of pretending that I'm fine.

I am tired of hiding my pain just to make other people happy.

I am tired of even breathing.

yours truly,

ghost.

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