letters to you

"If you made it, please remember this."

I'll make a home someday, may be a bit cramped the first few years together but I could only look at him and smiled. Knowing that this was exactly how we imagined it years ago, knowing that it may not be much but it's enough. Like he said; "we'll carry each other." 
We'll be coming into our 30s together, wake up next to each other and begrudgingly getting ready for work, making a ready-to-go coffee before kissing each other goodbye. 
We'll come home to each other, with tiredness lingering in our mind and exhaustion swimming in our bones, and all we can look forward to is re-watching "How I Met Your Mother," with dinner on the floor and to be in the comfort of one another. We'll grow accustomed to these routines, to each other and only we can pray that it's a blessing.

I'll make a home someday; a safe place filled with comfort and tenderness, home-cooked meals were the best but on lazy days, we'd spoil ourselves with fast foods. The cabinets in the kitchen will probably be filled with lots of snacks due to his behavior of snacking, coffee was the scent of the home, and it's one of the best traits of the family. I'd share the world with them, bringing them along on a quick snack at McD late at night, getting on board a plane ticket to let them see it all for the first time, I'd give my whole world to them. I'll make sure to give them all the hugs and kisses at every chance, tucking them in beds and be there when they're going through a rough time, we'll try to be open with each other without hurting one another, I'll make a home something worth it to be called a home. I'll make a home someday; where no one would turn to violence nor uncontrollable rage.

"The end is not the end, I promise"

I've never been open, vulnerable, raw and laid bare, exposing everything that I am to the world. There was always something so utterly terrifying about honesty, about openness and vulnerability that made it so hard for me to breathe. 

I can't deny that although there were light in the most darkest days, the light was flickering, only remaining bright for only a few days only with certain companions, nevertheless, the darkness consumed it all, a black abyss.

Often times I find myself cowering back, recoiling at every touch once I choose to bare my soul open to people. I regret ever letting them in and let their words and actions influence everything that I am. I regretted ever letting people know just how much I wanted to leave, because they talked me into staying. Some tell me that it's worth it to stay long enough to see the good things, the brighter part of life, some just find that the pain of losing me would be unbearable. Most of all, I just think that the reason they ever begged me to stay alive was just so they wouldn't be consumed by the guilt of missing the signs, for not doing enough, for all the things they felt responsible over my actions.

 I don't think they ever realized just how much they were asking of me, to stay alive, to breathe in another day, to hold on, to stay alive for them. I don't think they ever realized just how big the chunks were taken from me just to wake up and face another day. I don't think they fully took in just how painful it was to keep going. 

It wasn't like I haven't tried enough, it wasn't like I haven't went through enough, it wasn't like I had much strength left in me to go through anything anymore. It was exhausting to wake up every single day only to feel so weak and painful that you can't get out of bed at all, nor eat, or go to the toilet, or do anything at all. Most days, I'm left in bed, staring at the ceiling, hating hearing my own heart beating, just wishing to not exist at all. 

I often think of how liberating it would be to erase my own existence. It'd be easier, not one single soul would have memories of me, no worries of hurting anyone with my departure, not think of my own remnants. Just to not exist at all. Or to just erase people's memories of me. 

There was too much pain, too overwhelming, too unbearable. I grew tired of getting used, abused, hurt, stepped all over, pushed aside, abandoned, forgotten... I grew tired of sacrificing my own needs and happiness for the sake of others, putting effort into each soul I've come across only to receive hollowness within me. I grew tired of holding on for all the wrong reasons. It's been years and years of trying to change, trying to be okay, praying and begging for just a little break. But the worse kept coming, trying to push the waters into my burning lungs, again and again and again and again, without pause, without hesitance, without care, without patience. It felt like I was constantly gasping for air each day that I wake up. And I could barely remember the last time I was pulled onto the surface to see the sky, the sun, the stars, the clouds... I could barely remember the last time I could breathe with ease.

I kept questioning;

"Haven't I been through enough?"

"Isn't this pain enough?"

"Why isn't it enough?"

For all the pain I've felt, the anger, the rage, the insecurities, the doubts, the pressure, every single emotions that hurt me, I wish I could give it back to them. I wish I could give them a taste of their own medicine just for them to know how much it's tearing me apart, how much it broke me, how much it ruined everything within me. I wish I could put the blame all on them. I wish I could hurt them as much as they hurt me. But I knew how deep of a scar it'll leave them, how permanent those damages would be, how long it'll take for them to completely heal. I fucking knew just how painful it was, and fuck this weak heart of mine, I couldn't bear to lay it upon others. I couldn't bear with myself to let others felt what I felt from their own actions and words. In the end, it was my fault for letting it hurt me like that. So, I took everything in, letting it eat me up inside for all the wrongdoings, the mistakes, the carelessness of others. It was my fault for not letting them know what they did wrong, it was my fault for choosing to be silent about it rather than speak up just because I was too afraid of hurting others. I grew to be outspoken, I tried to set the boundaries and limits just so they couldn't hurt me again but it always ended with arguments, losing relationships and losing people, and I'm left with nothing but pain in my hands. 

It was easy to break me. It became too easy to hurt me. I became too fragile, too weak, too vulnerable. The littlest things became the last twig that breaks. 

And I guess, I've decided that I had enough. I guess something finally breaks and I couldn't let myself get hurt anymore. All I ever asked for was for this pain to stop. All I wanted was just for this pain to stop. To let me breathe, to at least let be okay. And I guess it was never meant for me.

yours truly,

sarah.

"It is a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in a broken world."

"you with the volume turned up,"

I miss listening to songs with you.

I think songs are like one of the beautiful parts that associates itself to you in my view. The moments that has its own soundtrack, like that damn night of you in dark red, the car ride home, the way whenever we lepak there would always be songs, the rainy night we shared coffee as you play me your newly discovered songs, the playlist and songs you'd share with me, the way you yourself is making your own music... 
It plays a significant part in my life and I think, it's yours too. I can tell by the songs you've showed me, and how long you've listen to them, how much you know about them and it's one of the amazing features of my Sky. And it's inevitable that I can never escape the thought of you whenever I come across any song at all. I can't separate it as easy as pulling apart the opposing forces of the magnet once they've met. It didn't matter how much playlists I make to have my own songs, it always goes back to you. 
I hope it doesn't become my downfall, it'll break me. 

But I try to think about the more things I could create with you, and experience with you.
Like sharing earphones to listen to music together as we stand in the train, in the midst of all those bustling and rushing passengers,
Or going to concerts with you, watching the people we look up to perform their own work, knowing well that we'd both be the front-row hype-man, or just having you wrap your arm around me, chin on my head as we listen to them
The amount of sleepless nights we could spend dancing even after years of being together, or doing one of those throw back songs session to see how much we've grown and change
To more car rides playing each other's playlist and secretly becoming a thing in our family,
I'm getting more daydreams the more time spent apart from you.
Just one of the nights I let my thoughts and feelings for you take over.

yours truly,
rosy.

"don't fly too close to the sun,"

To the girl who used to be my precious angel,

You came into my life when the whole world was against me. You came into my life a lot like the first light of the day, a sign of hope, forever benevolent and blinding yet the solace you brought was like hearing the sea hitting the shores; it was quite loud yet the comfort it brings to my heart felt a lot like a safe place. You were my safe place. 
You picked me up and held me in your arms when I completely fell apart and all I felt was pain pulsating through my veins. You held me in your embrace that was filled with warmth and care. You were full of love that you were ready to give it all to help me heal. Or so I thought. 
I see you as an angel, Heaven sent you to me and I paint you in the most purest of colors, bright streaks of yellow representing the happiness you radiated, layers and layers of white paint to cover all the hurtful parts of you that I pushed away yet as beautiful and precious you were to me,
I was blinded.

For the amount of mornings and nights we've spent together, cigarettes between our fingers, heart cracked open, laughter and wise words were exchanged, we showered each other with love, care and growth to experience it all together. The memories and rush of emotions I've went through with you was everything to me, it was everything.

I valued you more than life itself, I was ready to exchange all my happiness with your hurt just to see you happy again. I was ready to sacrifice it all when it came to you, and how much my heart had infinite pools of love for you. I loved you then and I love you still. I already made a home within my heart just so you could drop your anchor some day and give you everything you need to heal. I was ready to be there throughout everything.

And I guess, my love for you completely blinded me. I fell for your words and actions and what you choose to show me to the point I refuse to accept the truth behind it all. I choose to close my eyes at all the parts that hurt me. How selfless was I when it came to you and only you. How I choose to only see you on the high pedestal I put you on, how amazingly beautiful your soul was, how I fell for your kindness and tenderness to the point that I fell apart when I saw the truth.

You were busy being enthralled and infatuated by the burning sun, and just like Icarus, you pushed aside all warnings and soon enough, I watched helplessly as your wings melted and into the sea, you tumbled and drowned. You were drowning, sinking into the floor of the sea, and no matter how hard you tried to pull you up onto the surface, it was as if the sea was swallowing you whole and you choose to let the water fill your lungs but it's okay.
It was okay. I still tried my very best to wash all your wounds clean, and help you as you try to help yourself to heal from it all. And for the longest of time, I thought you were okay. I thought you were finally yourself again.
Up until you choose to chase after the sun again. After all the heartache, the pain, the days of sorrow and sadness, you still choose him over and over again and I can't do anything but watch it happen all over again with the hopes you find it in your heart to look away from it and find the wonders that awaits you at the shore.
No matter how much I screamed for you, you've blinded yourself completely to be with him, not caring about the burns you've suffered, the scorching heat burning your heart off, the withered feathers of your wings and how much ache I've suffered to see you walk onto the path of self destruction.

I realized that I can't help you if it's your choice to blind yourself from the sunlight.
I can't help you heal if you choose to hurt yourself over and over again.
I can't help you if you choose to turn away from all the scars and fresh wounds that kept on reopening from him.
I can't help you even if I have so much love and care for you yet you choose to push it away to feed your starved heart with his half-assed love.
I can't help you, even if I tried because you'll keep going back to square one, willing to put yourself in a cycle of suffering.

Yet if this is what love is to you, if this is what happiness looks like to you, I pity all the beautiful things of the world that awaits you.
I can't keep putting you number one in my life when you refuse to put yourself first. It'll hurt me, crush me, break me to lose you but you taught me selfishness. So I'll pray to the Heavens above to care for you and tend to your wounds because they're the only ones who are powerful enough to pull you away from the sun and make you see the disastrous effect of it all.
I'll pray for the very best of you, with all the love I have in my heart for you, I wish for you to finally get the bigger picture of it all.

With love,
rosy.

I start my day at exactly 11pm.

I'll put on a playlist which consists of smooth jazz and the tenderness of the days that I've dearly missed the view of my sky. Thinking of wearing my comfort clothes as I laid them out on my bed. My comfort clothes has always been clothes that belonged to other people; my mom's, my boyfriend's and my best friend's. It became comfort because in the time of need, I couldn't have them with me but wearing their clothes seems to put me in a very lovely mood. 
And so, I step into the shower, either I'm crying on the floor and the scalding hot water turns my skin red or I take my time with myself, washing every remnants of sadness I have within me, feeling the water wash it all away and feeling like I'm brand new. Somewhat like my very own personal fresh start. 
I'll make some coffee to freshen up, some lemon and water to stay hydrated, my favorite meal to get myself to eat since eating has become a chore rather than a necessity to me. And when I'm finally done with my skincare routine, I'll get myself to start writing, to start myself off with a work that could help my heart be filled with ease and contentment, like what I'm doing at this very moment.

I've been trying to not be harsh on myself, I've been trying to take it easy and be gentle with myself in a way that I take care of others. It's something that I often overlooked, I tend to be more forgiving, more generous and kind to others even when they seem to forget about me but when it comes to myself... I've been nothing but harsh, punishing myself over and over again for the things that I cannot control, for things that other people have done to me, for all the pain and sadness that I treat with more pain rather than take some time to heal it.
I think, that's the side effect of growing up too fast in the age of a progressive society which puts more emphasis to materialistic success rather than self-awareness and self-growth.
Especially in a time where you are forced to deal with yourself in isolation. The first few weeks of quarantine really hit me hard, I was on the verge of completely letting go. I refuse to help myself but instead, occupied myself with the workload of assignments, painting and ignoring my emotions for the longest time.
I preached self care ever since I had my social media accounts, I use it as a platform to spread my feelings and help other people through my words yet I failed to practice what I preached. I talked about emotions for the longest of time, and I always ended up in a dead-end as to how to help myself. But one night, it hit me hard. I found myself begging to Him for help. I found myself praying day and night in hope to seek the light and guidance I so desperately needed.
I'm not the one to be so honest and open in the things I faced in my life, and to write it out for the world to see, but it helped me a lot and I hope whoever is reading this can get the light and guidance that I'm slowly healing with.
I always questioned Him as to why is He making me go through this? Why am I the one who seems to be going through the most at this age? Why is there so much pain and sadness that I can never run away from? Why am I still here when I hate hearing my own heart beating?
I used to think that He was punishing me, to show me what  was doing wrong, and I blocked Him out of my life. But recently, I've met a few beautiful souls who keep repeating the same thing to me, over and over again;


And with those words that I keep in mind every day, it keeps me going even when I'm feeling like I'm getting worse, even in those bad nights, even in my self hatred and depression, I keep those words so close to my heart and begin to see just how quickly I could pick myself up. I turn to Him whenever I could, I prayed to Him day and night for His love and guidance. And I start to see life in a whole other perspective. I never felt the power in prayers and du'a until now. Just how talking to Him and expressing every emotion I have in my heart and the every thoughts that crossed my mind, He showed me light in the form of other people relaying His words onto me in a gentle manner. He sent me the people that have showed me His love and mercy in my life to take care of me, to hold my hand onto the path of healing.
A simple duty such as praying was really the first step in healing.
In His words that I find steps to take care of my heart and mind, in His words that I began to fully see life as it is. No longer are the days and weeks I spend to get back up on my feet, with His help, it only take a matter of seconds. And I'm thankful that He's taking care of my heart and sent the people who helped me restore my faith in Him. Because at the end of the day, no one could help you if you refuse to help yourself, and only He knows what's in your heart and mind, only He knows what's best for you and how to help you.
Put your complete faith and trust in Him, and He'll show you love and light in a graceful manner that you'll accept with ease.

yours truly,
rosy.

"who are you?"

I often blur my mind with what people think of me, I hurt myself with it,

“You think that holding someone hard will bring them closer. You think that you can hold them so hard that you'll still feel them, embossed on you, when you pull away. Every time Eleanor pulled away from Park, she felt the gasping loss of him.” ― Rainbow Rowell, Eleanor & Park

I think the best type of people are the ones who sees you and think; hugging is the best way to react to you. 

That's why I don't mind when people wanted to hug me but it's awkward among guy friends.
I only wanted to hug just only a few, I don't get excited to see people that much but when I do, it's always the ones who I absolutely love and care for. It's like seeing them feels like a whole glow of warmth starts spreading from your heart. And I get so happy and so relieved to see them and to hold them as soon as I could. That's just how much happiness I get to feel only a few times because I won't see them as much as I did before.

Though it doesn't only leverages me, nut the person I hug as well. I hold them so close to me because they deserve it, because I think everyone needs at least a bit of comfort while going through things together. One of the special things that are special about hugging the people that built homes in my heart, they're taller than me and every time I'm hugging them, I can hear their heart beating. Only once in a blue moon that their hearts beat rapidly but most often, it's the perfect rhythms of heartbeats. I don't know why but it's the most soothing thing that helped me a lot. 

I have a theory on how soulmates' hearts beat at the same time, but I never got to test it out because I don't have faith in the people I've met. So, when two hearts beating rhythmically meet, that's the rare chances of you having the person you were meant for.

"at least you can't hurt me like this,"

It's 8 am and the high is already clouding my mind, and no one would help me when my eyes go red.
I try to occupy my days with words that I grew so afraid to write. Because my words gravitate right back towards you and I can no longer bear the ache of longing for you.
I often wonder, do you miss me the way I do?
We often go round and around in the same cycle
And I hold myself back when all I really want is to dive deep.
I hold my words back and leave it collecting dust in the drafts only because I grew to realise just how exhausting my words can be, and how draining it is trying to understand me.
And so I stopped. I stopped trying to make people understand me. I stopped trying to invite them in. I stopped giving them chances to hurt me. 
I stopped trying to exist in their life.
It was easy to see whose words hold the truth. 
It was easy to see who could hurt me the most.
It was easy to drown myself along with the thoughts of them.
It's 8 in a Sunday morning and I'm high out of my mind. 
And I'm filled to the brim with so much unresolved pain of holding back so many unspoken words.

yours truly,
rosy cheeks.

"do you take pride in your hurt?"

Dreams of you often come and go; it only comes when I fell asleep with a vacant heart and the need to feel loved, it goes once your laughter rings in my ears and all I can remember is the touch of your skin against mine.

I woke up this morning, trying to choke back a sob and my body ache from the remnants of one's anger and all I needed was you. And the more I think about it, the more painful it became.
 I can't need you.
I shouldn't need you.
Because I knew that no matter how much they claim to care and love you, they won't be there when you need them.
And I hated myself for needing someone as bad as I needed you when you're out there, living life as it is when I'm right here, contemplating to end it all. I hated myself for a lot of reasons, but most of all, for putting myself in a position to get hurt by being so dependent on other people. It reminded me of the days where I shut everyone out and all I had was myself, all I needed to do was deal with it by myself because it has always been like that and it has always been true. 
That was the agonizingly painful truth that hurts me the most; I had to face everything on my own. 
Something that would break me even more and left me to disappear.

"Everything;s a delicate touch away from changing."

1. Loving yourself meant accepting every flaw that your body owns, all the past mistakes that have haunted you, the pain you've inflicted, the hidden parts of you, every inch of your ugliest parts. Not only the wonders of who you are but the very things that make up who you are. Love yourself completely and wholeheartedly and you'll see the little changes in your life.
2. Relationships that are forced will only cause more damage to the point it's out of reach. It could be relationships formed out of blood relatives, forcing yourself to like someone out of fear of pain towards the other person, out of courtesy. Cutting off these people may seem scary but for the wellness of your being, it seems like the only option you have rather than let the guilt and pain eat you up inside.
3. Indulging the pain and negativity within you has always done irreparable damage and gotten you nowhere except making you hide from the world. Too much pain is not the way you would treat someone who's already hurt.
4. No one is a mind reader, although you think that they know you the best, sometimes they're clueless to the very thoughts that crosses your mind. Opening up and letting them in helps them comprehend you better, knowing you in ways other people failed to see. Though, take extra care in who you choose to bare your soul out.
5. Each person you have in your life has their own love language, in the way they show their care for you, the trust they have in you, the littlest things they have uttered and done in regards to you. It's not the same as yours but that doesn't mean they don't love you enough. They love you, you just have to learn to see it.
6. In relationships, it's not about who loves the other person more, who's more attentive, who spends more, none of that really matters. Loving each other is what really matters. What matters is the effort being put in, taking care of each other, watering each other's growth and loving them unconditionally. Love is blind in terms of what matters to you is the feelings you have for them, and the love they hold for you. There's no system to measure love, so love them in every way you can.
7. No matter how much you have in your life, we will always feel like it's never enough. We keep looking for more and more but often in the wrong places. What you have right now, it's more than enough. Take time to pour your gratitude in the chances you have been given, the things you've owned and done, the moments, places and people that you've been blessed with. Fuck capitalism and the materialistic world, they ruin your life anyways.
8. This sounds ugly, but most of the things that have took place in your life is not your fault but it is your responsibility to choose which path you take from there. You didn't ask for all the pain, mistakes and ugly parts in your life, but it's your choice to how you handle it. You could be patient, see and try to understand the reason behind it all or let it consume your whole life, be dead inside. You're responsible for your own self. It's never your fault. But it happens for your own growth. 
9. You just stepped into your 20s, that doesn't mean you have to be a fully functional working adult. It's not wrong to still be dependent, it' okay to reach out for help because you're still learning. There are people who are willing to help but understand that people have their own lives to live. They may be a major part in your life but don't stop them from living their lives. You may share a life with them, but don't stop your life for them. 
10. Emotions are demanded to be felt. The anger, sadness, excitement you're feeling inside, it calls out to you because it's trying to help you understand yourself better. Being emotionally aware helps you recover if you take actions towards it in a healthy way. Bottling it up will only drown you and even if you're screaming out for help, people won't know how to help something that you yourself don't understand. Let it out, write it down, talk it out, help it get out of your system before it plants down its' roots. 
11. Religion is often neglected in our daily lives, we only seek it in the harshest storms instead of making it the pillars of our life. Although your practices are imperfect, don't ever forget Him. Your prayers, your aurah, Quran recitations, obligations might not be perfect in the eyes of other people, but what matters is God's opinion of you. If you take good care of your relationship with Him, you'll feel so at ease in your heart and mind and nothing else would really matter when you put your complete trust in Him. It's okay, the people might point out and judge you but what matters the most is between you and Him.
12. You'll always feel like you're running out of time, money and space. So fuck it, treat other people in ways more than what they deserved as if it's the last few days you're gonna be alive. Leave them little gifts or notes to show how much they meant to you, bring them to places you'd want to have moments with them, don't hold yourself back when it comes to showing tenderness to the people you hold the closest to your heart. We'll never know what people struggle through every day, we'll never know when we're gonna lose them, we'll never know when we'll have our last breath.We will never know. The last days will somehow make you feel more at ease.
13. Everything is a delicate touch away from changing. You will always change without you realizing it. So, turning back to the old things that have once brought you joy might not be as pleasurable as it once was, it can be hard and frustrating but if seeing your fingertips being stained by ink and paint makes you nostalgic and appreciative of the moments you've spent, then why not? You can find another billion new things to try, instead of thinking too much about it, just go ahead and take the risk. Might be life changing, might be frustrating, but it's gonna be one of those things that make up who you are today.
14. We're so blinded by financial stability and academic success that we often leave behind our passions and joy, leading a beat end life. It could be a goal but sometimes the pressure to have it can often sink you. It's not everything. Life is not always easy but you're gonna dream of just a small apartment that can fit you, him, the little kids you're gonna have and a bunch of pets and it will be enough. It won't be easy breezy but you'll carry each other. You'll be grateful for the love you hold in that house, the moments you're gonna create and just be grateful for what you have.
15. Self-loathing is the cruelest thing you're putting yourself into. You're causing pain to someone who's already hurting so much, abusing the vessel with self-destructing habits, and keeping them at the bottom of the ocean. Self care is a lot like taking care of your kid, you compliment them at the littlest things they do, feed them their favorite food, bring them to places they would enjoy, bathing them and tucking them into bed comfortably. Taking care of yourself can just be proud of yourself for painting on a small piece of paper, finishing an assignment, buying yourself flowers and having music on during your showers. You wouldn't treat your kids the way you would treat yourself now.
16. The ones who you once to care and trust could be the very person leading you to your own demise. They'll do anything to hurt you, break you, sometimes even pushing you to end your life. Don't let them, don't lose yourself for them, don't hurt and blame yourself for something that they did, especially when there are still others who hold such tenderness and care for you. Don't let them be the force in your life, instead, turn that pain into something that drives you to be the better version of yourself for the ones who wants the best for you. Don't stoop down to their level or give them the satisfaction of killing you. Focus on the ones that tried their very best to embrace you with warmth and love.
17. When you're hurting, you're causing others pain too. You might not see the mistakes you've done, the hurtful words you slipped, the negativity you're giving out but it happens, especially when pain fills you to the point it spills like an overflowing sink. It's important to always talk it out, apologize and not let it happen again. But it might be too late and removing yourself from the equation could be a healthier option for you and them. People will always come and go, you'll lose them even if you tried to fight it but there's always a reason as to why certain people are not in your life anymore. It will be painful but you'll have more chances to explore the little constellations hidden in other people.
18. I have found that writing is the most intimate part of me. I learned that through writing pages after pages of letters to the ones who owned my very soul and heart, through the 280 characters displayed on my twitter, the prose I have typed out in this blog and the lines I have scribbled down in the small journals in my tote bag. It became a way for me to be more in touch with the parts of myself that I have hidden, to heal and to show just how much tenderness I hold for these people. In the same way I learned music to be a way to define moments and emotions that are kept in those beats and melodic voices. The two things I choose to share with only the ones that I share my life with.
19. You go on by doing the best you can. You go on by being generous. You go on by being true. You go on by offering comfort to others who can't go on. You go on by allowing the unbearable days to pass and allowing the pleasure in other days. You go on by finding a channel for your love and another for your rage. You just go on. That's the only choice you have, may be the reason you're still here, breathing and going on.

"Existence itself has become a very heavy burden on my heart."

"إنها الروح التي تتوق It is the soul that yearns."

Have you ever wished you could turn back time?
Not to change anything but just to experience things again. 

I would wanna go back to the first night where our mind was clouded with the high, grabbing a hold of my hand. A night spent in silence with just our playlist echoing the air and our thoughts were safe with each other. 

I would wanna go back to the first time I said, "I love you." A risk I took without putting much thought into it. How I fell so swiftly and so deeply for you, clueless to whether you would hold me or let me shatter to pieces.

I would wanna go back to the time we drifted apart, thinking about you and sending emails filled with words that we would've never told another soul.

I would go back to the night where shades of black and red were the beginning of it all, just to have the chance to see you on the dance floor among the crowd, your laughter and joy outshines them all.

I would go back to the night you drove me home, hearts beating loudly, looking at you driving when the urge to hold your hand was killing me. And on my bed that night, I came to realize just how alive you made me felt.

Looking at us back then and now... 

From subtle touches, beautiful words, comfortable silence to feeling the weight of your ribs in the backseat of your mom's car, unspoken words, and the silence drowning the both of us.

I wouldn't change any part of it, nothing at all. Just to have those feelings, those words fill me again...How beautiful it felt to love someone as beautiful as you. I pray to God that you'd stay, so I could look back at it all and have a rush of warmth embracing me. These past few months, have been unbelievably breathtaking. Through all of the ugly moments, you held my hand so tight that even when I was hanging off the edge of the cliff, you pulled me up into your arms; saving me. Through all of those beautiful moments, your hand in mine, and lips spewing out only such lovely words, and you held me as long and as close as you could. Through all of those mediocre moments, your fingers tracing the lines of my palm, smiles among one another and appreciating your existence, you loved me. 

You cared for me back then, you always did.
You love me endlessly these days, I can feel it.
You look forward to the future we share together, I can see it.

The time spent with you is the only thing I yearned for, 
If it is God's will, we'll love, take care of each other infinitely.

yours truly,
rosy cheeks.

" Moments with you are captured in songs, "

It was the melancholy I heard in those voice, or the tunes that plays along in the songs. Some songs are beautiful, to me, too beautiful.

You know why?

Maybe it was because those words that they sang their hearts out to hit home so hard...My home. 
Or was it the pain and joy and the nostalgia I heard in their voice that reminded me, "Yeah, I've been there before," 
Or it was the same song that a million people have heard of but they have their own stories that ached their heart so bad. Songs were like a recorder, it captured your most beautiful moments and turn it into something that twists your  insides and brings back those memories that haunted you.

Bu there were the songs, that didn't even require words to pull the listeners. All they needed was the notes,the tunes, the rhythm and it brings your soul to that meadow filled with lavenders and golden rays of sunlight kisses your skin. It had this power to coax your soul, tricking you to feel as if you're in a dreamlike state, as if you were in love. And i think that's the most beautiful thing a song can do to you. It kisses your soul and heart and mind. It coaxes your pain. It ease your troubles away.

 yours truly,
ghost.

"Take me back to the night i fell in love with you"

For a while, sadness was nothing but a forgotten memory. Although underneath the dark sky, with stars littering all over, there was never a hint of misery in her heart. The moment her eyes fell on that familiar silhouette of a tall boy with a cloud shaped hair, she could feel the stars bursting out of her. Simply at the sight of him, she was beyond happy. She met him, saw him a thousand times before yet that one night felt different. 
Maybe it’s the way she had held in all that sadness within her.
Maybe it’s the way he pulled her into his arms with no hesitation.
Maybe it’s the soft comfort within him that made it felt much more of a safe space rather than flesh and bones.
Maybe it’s just the way they are.
Songs after songs went on yet she craved the taste of cigarettes dangling between her dark red lipstick with him by her side, rapping along to the songs on his playlist. That’s the moments she always looked forward to although it blackens the lungs in both of their lungs yet it didn’t matter as it was some kind of a relief. But she sat there, feet glued to the floor, hands shivering from the cold, she didn’t feel the loneliness creeping in yet, because around her was these people only wanting the best for her and across the room, a soft boy playing with a balloon as he looked at the crowd.
A soft boy who grew to became one of the beautiful soul she ever met in her life. Indeed, a soft boy, for his heart was filled with infinite pools of love, kindness and patience for others although they have wronged him, left him when all he deserves is the whole galaxy made just for him. 
Snap! Snap! Snap! 
Countless of pictures taken to remember the night, and all those times, he was next to her offering his presence to make the crowd less fearful in her eyes, the laughs in between those pictures and the eyes of the people looking at them. In a way, they never saw her in that light, only seeing that side of her when he was nearby. They noticed how she would always disappear the moment the boy appears, wishing they had the chance to have the cherished moments they shared together.
With the simple grab of her hand within his long fingers, she held onto it and he seemed like an anchor to the earth.  for the first time, she thought “fuck it” and let the beat took over the whole night. It was a rare occasion to just let loose and enjoy the moment but it felt so easy when there was a comforting presence near her. It felt liberating. Looking at him, and seeing the glow of his smile taking over his features with those sly moves of his, she had never felt happier to see him happy. 



It wasn’t intentional but the passing moments she saw her reflection in the mirror, everything about her looked wrong and it was just those random times where her brain chose to be harsh on herself but he drove her home that night, not giving a chance to depression to consume her. She would often feel scared in the car due to her father’s habit of speeding, swerving and running the red lights that had her grip on the handle of the door, holding her breath while waiting it to be over.
But nothing went wrong, he was the perfect driver. Not scary. Just steady. And fast. She wanted the music on his playlist to lasts forever. The late night drives have always been her most favourite thing in the world. Everything else is sleeping, and the whole world feels like it’s their own secret. 
All along that drive, she had to held herself back from smiling. There was too much happiness contained within that petite body of hers, yet his eyes stayed on the road. But her eyes caught a gleam of the chain circling his wrist. The chain she gave him, with a little Picasso’s art as its own charm. That charm was one of her most beloved belongings, staying in a small box of pretty things she keeps in the back of her cupboard. The only reason she gave it to him was how he reminded her of a beautiful soul who itself is a masterpiece, inside and outside. She knows that he’s unaware of it, yet in the littlest things, she tries to make him see it.
The nights with Sky has always been beautiful. Never in a million years she would’ve seen herself sitting next to the boy who was way too good for her. Yet here they are, in comfortable silence and Daniel Caesar’s voice setting the night away.


On certain bad days, the sadness won. The pain won. And there was no one to hold onto. She came back home and the tears would just pour endlessly. Even when it’s all dried up, the pain never left. The only she knew how to get it out was to tear her skin apart. The blade was set between her fingers, her mind was screaming “Just press and drag, press and drag, press and drag” but she knew this time, the scar would go deeper. But flashes of the night came back and she took a deep breath, putting the blade away and looking at her phone, contemplating if she should hit him up or not.
He was always a good listener with a tendency to make everything felt better. His voice come out in a low tone from the phone and somehow, it beats all of her favorite songs. With a simple Hello, and the whole night was more than what she bargained for. Never she would have thought to have the privilege of listening to his beautiful words and knowing him more and more as the days pass by.

With a tough exterior yet the flowers within him blooms effortlessly in the darkest of times. A soft boy, yes, he is.

" you tore me up inside and i stayed that way ever since."

Vulnerability, as always, never been something I can grasp. 
It has always become my weakness, my fear and pain itself.

I can never step out of this body and bare my naked soul to anyone. Never. Yet somehow, you slipped into my life so quietly that without realizing, i was peeling off the layers and layers of the mask I put on for the world to see. As time consumed us, with each phone call, the endless nights we've spent, the words you've given me... I stand before you, with every scar glimmering under the moonlight, every pain laid out and even the harshest thoughts all put on display like a museum filled with vile items with all the saddest words in the world as its description. 

I fear the aftermath of it, always preparing myself for the worst yet you took it with such tenderness that i grew more comfortable to let you have a glimpse of the darkest corners of my being, the very corners that I couldn't reach, the ones that I've kept hidden for so long, awaiting its time to resurface and end it all. In what seems like such a short period of time, every inch of me belonged to you. With it, I put all the love, care and the immense amount of trust in the palms of your delicate hands in hopes you'd treat it gently as much as you could. In hopes that I'd be blessed enough to have you letting me love every inch of you. 

The sky grew darker in ways that my days have been recently. As the bad dreams got worse to the point I find myself waking up drenched with sweat and tears, the words I've received got harsher and so brutal that i bleed on the cold, hard floor, and the breaths i take became harder the hatred towards this beating heart grew more as each day passes by. I've lost hope.

For some reason, I've held on. For the two people I have loved so dearly, I hold onto them even if it became unbearable, I held on. Due to them, some days get easier, ended with love and care, filled with laughter and it almost felt like I was walking on air. Just some days that I grew to become blessed enough to still be alive.
More often, I wished nothing but to leave and disappear to the point desperation fills me up and episodes of losing control became a daily occurrence. 
I was afraid of the things that were about to happen, things that could've change us, things that could make us lose each other in ways that it leaves a mark that can never be erased. How hard we tried to never hurt each other and along the way, in my own selfish way, we ended up letting the inevitable happen.

I could never blame you for the way you see me, thoughts of me nor the words you have given me. The aftermath of it all, left me curled up with the pain eating me up inside. And I should've known better how powerful words can be. 

All the feelings I've kept hidden, you evoked it so easily, calling it out to light.
It scared me just how you bring out the vulnerabilities in me.
It feared me just how all the weaknesses I have was laid out before you.
It terrified me just how much you cared for me and loved me to the point I wanted to leave and hide away and just disappear completely. 

And I wished I could have all my secrets back, how I wished I took my own advice instead of being reminded just why I never did it in the first place, how I wished to only hide and never come to light again. And I want to hide. I want to be kept hidden from everything and everyone. No one deserves to have such a vile museum visit in their lives, no one should ever love and care for something so shattered and painful and I never want to be one of the regrets nor pain in one's life.

yours truly,
g h o s t

" You're so sublime, super fine. Were you heaven sent?"

The sky grew darker along with the days I recovered. But tonight was the start of somewhat, the time, the step I took to decide what it means to be truly happy. For so long, I hung onto myself, hoping that I was the only one I needed to just get going. But the days have never been so darker and it lurks within my mind for a while, and there was no one around anymore.

I didn't blame anyone as I've been accustomed to facing everything alone. Up until a curly haired boy with round glasses, who started out as a stranger, became one of my favorite person in this world. The person behind Sky. 

"she's like a dream girl. And I think a dream girl should live in a dream world"

There are infinite versions of me out there, living a life that they're grateful of, maybe loathed, or desperate to get away from or perhaps they have become the version of themselves that they wanted to be.

There's the me who spent her mornings waking up to the view or Paris, having a smoke before skipping down to the bakery around the corner to pick up coffee and having a delightful breakfast to start off the day. She spends her nights walking along the Seine river, sitting down with a bottle of red wine as the artist could only get a sketch of her before she disappears into the night. On weekend, she explores every corner of the museum although she knows every painting like the back of her hand Oh lovely she'd be yet at times, loneliness pains her. Oh yes, in a city of love but no romance was found within her.

Then, there's the me who has her nose buried in a book every where she goes. Her hair hasn't been brushed in a few days and she keeps on pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, glasses which are way too big for her small face. Libraries became her safe haven, not only majoring in one course, oh no, her knowledge is limitless. Grades didn't matter, all she knows is the thirst for knowledge. Books after books lining up her room, the tower of books which became the place she sets her coffee and little plants. Forever the definition of bookworm.

There's me who lives in a studio apartment somewhere in New York, the room filled with countless of oil paintings on canvas, jars and jars of brushes and paint scattered all over the floor. You'd see her through the wide windows, dressed in overalls or a white over-sized shirt with splatters of paint on it dancing to the tune of Frank Sinatra's songs. Days spent painting and drawing, sometimes taking a walk in the city at night just to sketch or people watch. Such a bliss to be able to create masterpiece after masterpiece with just a stroke of brush. When asked what does she love about herself, she'll probably say her fingers, the ones who create such delicate art that mirrors her soul. A contender for Monet himself.

There's me who's a complete wallflower. She reads Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Jane Austen, perhaps a bit of Oscar Wilde and F. Scott Fitzgerald and in her spare time, she writes annotations to those pages, reviewing every little detail of their work in search of delving deeper into their world. Literature becomes her favorite subject but doesn't appear to be that way. Yes, a book in her hand yet dressed in earthy colors with a cigarette dangling from her lips. Her style often mirrors the 80s and 90s, maybe. The little fierce wallflower that people can only see, not touch or get close to.

There's me who is here. The present me. Eyes tired, heart heavy and a mind filled with chaotic thoughts. Good grades were the goal, days filled with making notes and getting assignments done earlier than possible, trips to the library with bag heavy with snacks and books. Oh how draining her days are, fulfilling task by task and living a life that she's unhappy with. Mornings are quiet often, with a cup off coffee to keep her going, a planner by her side to make sure she gets things done on time and a book she forces herself to read in hopes it could fix her life. Although her bad habits have started to resurface again, she couldn't bring herself to stop smoking. More so, she finds new ways o cope with the pain. Loneliness accompany her most, the painful thoughts are silenced with pills again. Most of all, she screams at the stars to take her away.

But in the versions of myself that I had a glimpse of, I could only dream of to be in their places. I could only try to be them yet fail countless of times. But these versions of myself, I hope they're content no matter how many rough patches they went through, I hope they know how immensely blessed and loved they are.

To the infinite versions of me, I wish to be you.

yours truly,
sarah.

"There's a world out there and it's calling my name,"

"I’m afraid of myself cause I’ve already become a part of you"

It wasn’t a secret that a million thoughts run through his head and walked all over who he is, constantly torn between who he should be, who he wanted to be, who he truly is.